


Going In Circles

by musiwrites



Category: FernGully: The Last Rainforest (1992)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Angst and Humor, F/M, Fantasy, Humor, M/M, Mythical Beings & Creatures
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-04-27
Updated: 2011-04-27
Packaged: 2017-10-18 17:39:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/191490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musiwrites/pseuds/musiwrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zak is oblivious. Pips is desperate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Pips/Zak focus and endgame with some temporary Zak/Crysta. Eventually there will be explicit content but not quite yet.

Given his current situation, Pips couldn't help but feel exceedingly stupid. He still wasn't convinced this was an entirely good idea, in fact he was pretty sure it was a bad one; but after ten minutes of internal debate he had thrown caution to the wind and forced himself up and into the air trying not to think about where he was going and why. While he flew he had done a fair job of keeping the feelings of shame and apathy from the forefront of his consciousness, but by time he had landed they were already beginning to push forward again. He probably deserved it for allowing himself to become this messed up in the first place.

So, where was he, and why was it so humiliating? He was hidden in the treetops, watching very naked Zak bath himself in the stream at the base of the waterfall. Of course he knew that Zak probably wouldn't be able to spot him anyway, being as tiny as he was and that Zak was currently his regular size but still. It made him feel a little more like a creep if he was hiding and he figured that was probably the least he deserved, seeing as being in this situation really did make him exactly that.

For a long time Pips hadn't really understood what kept drawing him to Zak, he hadn't cared either way. In his mind it was a friendly rivalry, they could joke, fight, compete, relate, and most of all they could be real with each other. They were on the same level and that was something Pips had found absolutely enthralling about their time together. He wasn't saying others were below him or anything like that, but no one else got him the way Zak did. He had his friends, but to put it bluntly they fell a little short mentally. He had Crysta, she was more than mentally competent enough but she still wasn't quite on the same page as her. He knew they used to be closer to that, but when they got older and he had started to notice her in a different way, all the pressure to impress her and the building tension between them had driven a wedge into their friendship.

Zak's friendship had been a relief. It distracted him from the tenseness he always felt around Crysta and the restlessness that had been growing inside him for a long time. It had taken a while, but eventually Zak's presence had managed to eliminate these things completely. He no longer felt the need to impress Crysta, he didn't feel any of the same things he had been feeling toward her. Yet he still felt tense around her, just for a different reason. It was at about that point that Pips started to notice something wasn't quite right. He felt tense whenever Zak and Crysta were around each other. Their Nervous glances, and awkward laughter made him queasy for a reason he couldn't quite understand. Those were the type of glances he and Crysta used to share. He decided it was his natural male possessiveness about Zak moving in on 'his girl'. Still it didn't quite explain why his jealousy always seemed to be directed at the wrong one of them.

It wasn't until the moment he had really realized Zak was leaving that things became clear to him.

"Keep the stereo, dude." That's when it hit.

Zak was leaving.

Zak was... leaving.

He was probably never going to see him again.

All his mixed up emotions and thoughts from the past few days really started to click into place.

The feeling of nervous excitement that always buzzed through his body when they spoke.

The strange almost-sick-but-somehow-happy feeling that bubbled up through his stomach and into his chest whenever the were alone together.

The way he couldn't force his eyes anywhere else when Zak was nearby .

The irrational feelings of betrayal he felt when ever Zak and Crysta would laugh and smile with each other

He had been to stunned to think of anything intelligent to say, so he had lamely replied -

"Thanks... dude."

After another moment of mental shock he had lifted off the ground without a second thought and sped straight home, hurling himself inside and immediately collapsing against the back of the door. How had he not caught on to this sooner? Honestly, it wasn't that big a deal. So what? He liked a guy. A human guy, a human guy that nearly destroyed their entire home, a human guy that Crysta liked, and that liked her back. Not a big deal. His heart was racing right alongside his thoughts. The room felt like it was spinning, he felt like throwing up. He knew he was making this bigger in his head than it really was but his mind would not be stopped.

He spent the few weeks in a a multitude of states strangely similar to the 5 stages of grief.

First came denial:  
"You have to be kidding me. This could not be happening, not to me. I like girls, I like Crysta." this phase hadn't lasted long as it was painfully obvious that was not the case.

Second came anger:  
"Fuck, fuck, FUCK." He had adopted as a mantra for nearly 3 days while he rampaged through his dwelling destroying anything that wasn't bolted down.

Third came bargaining:  
"Shit, please I'll do anything, anything just please god get me OUT of this fucked up situation."

Fourth came depression:  
There hadn't been much talking during this phase, it had also lasted the longest. He had locked himself into his room for nearly 13 days drowning in apathy and self loathing, hardly moving, hardly eating, never showering. It hadn't been a pleasant sight.

And finally acceptance:  
He was currently transitioning out of depression and into acceptance. He liked Zak, a lot. That was okay. He could deal with it, he could accept it and move on. It wasn't like he was ever going to see him again so there was no real chance of the wound re-opening. He would get back to his life, work through things the same as everyone else to make up for being a baby over something so trivial in the first place. Now that he was in a more right state-of-mind he actually felt quite embarrassed about the whole thing even if he was the only one that knew.

He had just been re-adjusting to everyday life when he had been presented with a very prominent set-back in the form of Crysta banging on his door with a certain blond haired, brown eyed human in tow. Great.

Add a couple weeks of regression back through depression and acceptance and this brings us to now. Now if someone were to ask him, he would be the first to admit that turning into an antisocial voyeur was perhaps not the healthiest form of acceptance, but as far as he was concerned it couldn't be helped. He had been resolved to a life without Zak, not a life where he had to watch Crysta and Zak flirt and fall in love, eventually getting married and probably raising some children of their own. It wasn't fair. If Zak ever caught him watching him, it was his own damn fault for coming back in the first place

Of course, as much as he enjoyed making self-righteous internal speeches to himself, it didn't stop the feeling of guilt he got whenever he watched him a little to closely, or let his mind stray somewhere it shouldn't have. Crysta was still his closest friend, and no matter how he felt about Zak or what happened that was never going to change. He knew very well that his anger outwards her wasn't justified, and that if Zak hadn't come he would probably still be pining for her. As it was that wasn't the case, Zak was here, and things were easier for everyone but him. He didn't blame Zak either, as much as he wanted to, he knew it would be just as stupid. It wasn't like the other man had forced these feelings on him, in fact he would probably find it a bit disgusting. Pips figured Zak probably wasn't the kind of guy that hated gays for being gay, but he was probably the type who couldn't help being disturbed and on edge when he was around someone who was. Not that he really thought of himself as gay, Zak was the exception. Of course the fact that he had thought of the exact things that would have disturbed his friend really didn't help his growing guilt complex.

His feelings shifted between apathy and depression. He knew he was hurting his friends, avoiding them all the time and making up horrible excuses for not being able to hang out with them. The few times he had actually been considerate enough (if that's what you want to call it) to blow them off in person Zak had seemed more hurt by it. He supposed it was normal. Crysta and him had been close for a long time, but after his small mental breakdown she had grown used to his new antisocial behavior, not to mention she had plenty else going on for herself. She had moved into Magi Lune's old place and as her apprentice taken over her role in the village, she had her friends and her blossoming love with Zak, for her all was perfect. Zak didn't have any of those things to keep him busy. He had been commuting between here and the human world for a while now, couple weeks here and there. He never seemed to stay away long. He was a bit surprised when he heard that rather than living with Crysta when he was here he had taken up residence in a ground level dwelling that had been made officially his.

Crysta knew that when he came here Zak would still have thought things were the same between them. What other reason could he have to think any differently?

'Pathetic' He thought to himself 'I am so fucking pathetic sometimes'.

When Zak moved to haul himself up out of the water, Pips eyes traveled back to him from where they had drifted off in though. He watched him pulling himself out of the water, exposing broad shoulders, tanned arms, and a beautifully muscled back, the type you only got from hours of manual labor, before hastily averting his eyes. it made him feel foolish seeing as he was already watching the man bathe, but he couldn't bring himself to look at any more than what he had seen, it felt like too large of a breech of his friends privacy. It wouldn't be right.

Pips slowly lifted off the leaf he had been lying on with a sigh and turned back outwards home. He didn't bother going quickly, he knew Crysta was busy now, and clearly Zak was once again off to the human world so he had no one to avoid. When he reached home he simply flopped onto his bed and folded his arms over his face in frustration. He couldn't let things go on like this.


	2. Two

Hanging out with Zak hadn't been quite as difficult as Pips had anticipated. There was no denying that at first he had been a bit petrified that he would say or do something to give himself away and destroy their relationship entirely, but as soon as they had left Pips home and gone to meet the rest of the guys things had gotten considerably easier. The aching in his chest and the inadvertent glances in Zak's direction were both inevitable and may always be, but they were things he could live with. He had admittedly been pushing Zak off onto the other guys a bit whenever he got to close, and there was just the smallest bit of hurt clear in Zak's eyes whenever he did this, but Pips knew in the long run it would be better this way for both of them.

He felt bad for hurting Zak when the other had no real idea as to why he was doing it, but really, what was that little bit of guilt on top of the mountain he already carried? Zak being Zak, had made the assumption that he would rather hold this tongue and suppress his hurt rather than confront Pips about his behaviour and their dwindling 'friendship' and run the risk of being a girl seem more like an invariable fact. So imagine Pips' surprise when it turned out it was not.

Pips had just retreated to his flat early under the guise of having eaten some fruit that must've been just a bit past its peak when he heard a sharp knock at the door. He inhaled sharply, he knew, he just knew it was Zak. It seemed" there was no getting away from the other man. He backtracked and braced himself as he reached for the door handle. As he suspected, brown eyes pinned him with an angry glare as soon as the door was open far enough to see inside.

Making a firm effort not to sound as strained and unstable as he felt he forced out what he hoped was a casual sounding greeting.

"Hey man, what's up?"

"Why don't you tell me?" Zak's tone was definitely not a good sign. Pips cleared his throat, trying to keep himself from dwelling on the mixed feelings the sight of an angry Zak seemed to inflict on him.  
"Why don't you stop being so cryptic and just tell me why you're here." He bit back, allowing himself to sneer for added effect.

"Fine. Tell me why you've got a problem with me all the sudden?" Pips was at a loss for what to say. It seemed Zak had that effect on him a lot.

"Is this about Crysta?" That got his attention quick enough.  
"What do you mean?" He couldn't keep the harshness out of his voice. He knew it was ridiculous, but it hurt to know Zak thought he cared for someone else that way.

"Do you like her?" Zak's voice was softening now, there was something unidentifiable behind his voice, Pips felt panic creeping up his spine at the possibility of pity. That was the last thing he wanted.

"Look man, I know you liked her and I'm not sure what you think but you should know th-"

"Just stop." Zak gave him a slightly dumfounded look and Pips could see him begin to speak again.

"This isn't about Crysta. If anything she's a friend, I think of her as a sister. I don't care what you two do. Just leave me alone."

"What? But I don't under-"

"Please, Zak." and Pips knew when he saw Zak's expression shift that he'd allowed some of his desperation to slip into his voice.

Heart thudding in his chest Pips took advantage of Zak's momentary confusion and quickly stepped back and slammed the door shut before he could let anymore slip through. He let himself collapse back onto the floor, trying to collect his thoughts and feelings. Trying and failing. He wondered absently if Zak was still outside his door. Standing there, trying to figure out what the hell that was all about, exactly when Pips had lost his mind.

A while later, Pips had managed to thwart a panic attack, assuring himself that just because Pips had ignored Zak a little and had a teeny tiny meltdown in front of him, did not mean that Zak would jump to the conclusion that Pips had feelings. Because that wouldn't make sense. He let out a sigh and turned his attention to the door. He couldn't look at it without seeing accusation and hurt directed at him through azure blue eyes. It was haunting.

He was looking through the cupboard for something to eat, when a familiar knock drew his attention. Not bothering to look up he waited for Crysta to come in regardless after about 15 seconds, as he knew she would. She was, after all, nothing if not impatient. She walked over to the kitchen area, fluttering her wings just enough to lift her up onto the counter and sit. There was a moment of silence as he waited her to ask the question he knew was coming.

"What's wrong Pips?" After their thing, whatever it was, had fizzled out Crysta had taken on some sort of strange maternal sister role in his life. He wondered if this wasn't a side effect of taking over Magi Lune's old job. He had to say, the absence of her biting commentary was just a little disconcerting.

"Nothings wrong, I've just been feeling a bit tired is all."

"Tired of what." He gave up on looking for for, which was now more of a pretence than anything in order to avoid looking her in the eye. She had a horrible habit of seeing the truth in anyone's eyes. Especially his it seemed. He let out a long-suffering sigh and allowed himself to crumple just a little in front of his closest friends, still not meeting her eyes.

"Tired of pretending. It's like- like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. I don't even know who I really am." After a shuddering exhale, he slowly looked up to meet Crysta's eyes. They were filled with sadness, and conflict. No pity, she knew how he hated pity above all else.

"Why? I always thought you seemed so happy, save these past few months. It's like right after we Hexxus you were a completely different person. What happened to you Pips?" She finished off quietly. Pi couldn't hold back a small flinch at the mention of Hexxus. That still wasn't an easy memory for anyone.

"I'm sorry. Listen, I'll be fine I promise alright?" Crysta gave him a searching look. He could see that she didn't really believe him, but she didn't seem like she was going to press the issue.

"Alright, but promise me one thing?"

"Sure what?"

"You have to make up with Zak." of course.

"But Crys-"

"No Pips, you were a jerk and you know it, apologize on your own or I'll make you do it myself." Pips raised an eyebrow at the playful-but-threatening tone to her voice. That was the Crysta he saw so little of now. The one he missed. He rolled his eyes, and let out an exaggerated sigh.

"Yes mother."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter. I'm so surprised at how angsty this chapter came out. My muse today took the form of a mixed berry smoothie, real time with Bill Maher, and Blink182's enema of state. Strange, but apparently that's the magic combination.

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism encouraged.


End file.
